Of My Death..."
been somewhat exaggerated." So says former Beatle, George Harrison,
responding to quotes attributed to former Beatles producer, George
Martin, regarding his imminent demise. Martin also denies making
the statements, saying "George is in great health and has been
working on numerous projects, such as writing certain legal documents,
buying a particularly small plot of land and getting in touch with
loved ones he may not have spoken to in quite some time. You know,
to tell them that he's feeling great." Harrison refused to
comment on a rumor that the surviving Beatles have been working
on one last track, a previously unreleased tape by John Lennon entitled
We're Not At Home Right Now (Please Leave A Message).
to wire reports, the coolest living Beatle, George Harrison, is
ready for death. Reportedly "gravely ill" with a brain
tumor, Harrison has packed his mental and spiritual bags and is
awaiting his final journey in comfort. Upon hearing the news, former
Beatles drummer, Ringo Starr was quoted as saying "Damn! Looks
like I dodged another one! Woo Hoo!" Sir Paul McCartney, could
not be reached for comment as he is hard at work on a collaboration
with Ricky Martin. God speed, George.
irrelevant crooner, Sinead O'Connor, has single-handedly torpedoed
the fledgling Wotopalava Tour days before it's maiden voyage. Citing
"unforeseen family matters", O'Connor staged an eleventh-hour
exit from the tour, forcing tour organizers to scramble for an appropriate
replacement to headline the all-gay tour. Upon finding The Village
People "too campy" and Tracy Chapman "unable to draw
flies", organizers canceled the historic tour. Wotopalava would
have been the third gay-themed summer mega-tour in recent history,
behind Lilith Faire and OzzFest. The tour was to have featured O'Connor,
The Pet Shop Boys, Rufus Wainwright, Soft Cell and Staind.
first gained notoriety by shredding a photograph of the pope during
an appearance on NBC's Saturday Night Live. O'Connor has
since become a priest, a lesbian and a heterosexual married woman.
No word on weather O'Connor plans to broaden her appeal beyond suicidal
teenage girls and boho hipsters.
My Name Is James.
frontman, James Hetfield, has checked himself into a rehab facility
for treatment of "alcoholism and other addictions", the
band recently acknowledged on their website. "We fully support
James in his decision and wish him a speedy recovery so that we
may continue to bring in vast piles of cash by the truckload."
the site read. Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich, revealed Monday that
the band plans to release a two-CD set of previously released material
entitled "Whiskey In A Jar? No!" in honor of Hetfield's
newfound sobriety. "I've got my eye on a real nice platinum
cigar cutter!" said Ulrich. The album should be released in
the Fall, followed by massive pirating and swapping on the Internet
using countless Napster clones.
My Name Is A.J.
"Donny Wahlberg" position in the Backstreet Boys will
be vacant for afew weeks, according to sources in the Boys camp.
Group "tough guy", A.J. McLean has checked himself into
a rehab facility for treatment of, you guessed it, "alcoholism
and other addictions". In a statement released through their
publicist, the Boys expressed support and concern for McLean. "We
pray that our brother, A.J., gets the help he needs and we look
forward to getting back in the studio as a group as soon as possible.
We would also like to note that those N'Sync fags are too young
and fruity to have someone in rehab. Ha ha! Homos!" The Boys
also quashed rumors that they are rehearsing with McLean's older
and butcher brother, B.J.
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