Booking Snafu Lands "The Wrong Robert Smith" in Vikings
shake-ups at Interscope Records' Artists Management affiliate and
Starter Sports Agency Unlimited set in motion an unprecedented turn
of events last week, which landed "The Cure" frontman
Robert Smith in the NFL's Minnesota Vikings training camp. Sources
close to Starter claim that nepotistic hiring practices and general
incompetence lead to the seminal, crossover-Goth-popster's identity
being confused with that of the recently retired All-Pro Tailback
with an identical moniker. When asked to comment on the "Freaky
Friday-like switcheroo", Interscope V.P. Jeremy Snodgrass replied,
"What the fuck was his agent thinking when he signed that contract?!?
Just look at this!! 25 million dollars for a series of sixteen Sunday
shows, with performance incentives, endorsement deals, and bonus
money for 'playoffs'. Damn it! That really should have raised a
red flag. Oh, somebody's getting fired for this! Did they even read
the tour schedule?", Snodgrass screamed before he quipped sarcastically,
"Hmmm, let's see, Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Green Bay, Tampa
Bay, Minneapolis, Detroit Minneapolis. I mean
Regardless, the oddly-coiffed, British crooner participated in five
days worth of preseason two-a-day practices with the Vikings squad
before Interscope's lawyers were able to nullify the contract.
asked about the Rock Star's performance during training camp, Vikings
Head Coach Dennis Green cheerfully retorted, "Robert's a fine
athlete, and a pleasure to work with. His presence really lifted
the team's spirits after Corey's (Springer - Offensive Tackle) tragic
passing. Emotions have been running high around here lately, and
I remember this one day when Daunte (Culpepper - Quarterback) was
kind of getting choked up during practice. Robert walked right up
to him, smacked him across the face and said, 'Hey. Boys Don't Cry!'
It was just what the doctor ordered."
Back Coach Carl Hargrave elaborated, "Bobby's not one of the
fastest Tailbacks, I've ever seen, but man, can that guy block!
Before his first day of practice, some of the guys were giving him
guff about his hair and lipstick, but after this one hit he put
on (Kailee) Wong (Linebacker), they really considered him part of
the team." Hargrave added, "I tell you what. If he brings
his forty (yard dash) time down in the off season, he'll be a force
to reckon with in the NFL."
When asked what he thought of his newfound jock status, Smith replied,
"Being a Pro Football player for a week was 'onestly one of
the most interesting experiences of my life. I'll miss the blokes
on the team and the coaches, terribly. Also, I'm a right bit sad
that I must go before Sunday's (preseason) game against Indianapolis,
but making depressingly-romantic music is my true calling."
An uncharacteristically jovial Smith went on to say, "Any rate,
I don't fancy m'self nancing about in purple and yellow knickers
for the rest of my career. An' that wanker John Randle keeps using
up all m' eye makeup." The Mope-Rocker then proceeded to snap
the nearby nude Randle across the buttocks with a wet, rolled-up
towel, eliciting cheers and laughter from the remainder of his teammates,
as well as a high five from All-Pro receiver Randy Moss.
related news, Vikings owner Red McCombs announced that "Rock
n' Roll Part 2" by pedophile Glam rocker Gary Glitter, will
be replaced by The Cure's "The Hanging Garden" during
all Vikings games at The Metrodome. The controversial decision has
sparked outrage by Minnesota sports fans, and NAMBLA members alike.
However, McCombs justifies his decision as such, "Hey, 'The
Hanging Garden' might not be as peppy or instantly recognizable
as 'Rock n' Roll Part 2', but at least Robert doesn't whack off
to pictures of little kids."
Sports Analyst - Rev. J. Gunn
Swore Poor Bore.
Lansing record shop owner, Scott Reinstadt, declared local artists
King Dong to be "sellouts" before they released so much
as a note. King Dong founder, Brian Fister, refutes Reinstadt's
claim, saying "We haven't even practiced together yet. In fact,
we're still looking for a bass player." As the owner of the
campus mainstay "Chilly's Records and Stuff", Reinstadt
feels "uniquely qualified to pass judgment on these corporate
whore wanna-be bands around here. Fister came in last week to hang
up a "Bass Player Wanted" flyer and I told him to take
his sellout ass over to Tower, where he belonged."
don't remember him saying anything" says Fister "But when
I stopped by the next day to check if anyone had torn off any of
the numbers, the flyer was gone."
many students on campus, Reinstadt is known as a curmudgeon. "Whenever
you try to sell CDs there he always scoffs at everything you bring
in, like it's beneath him to even touch 'em." said student
Jeremy Pinson "Plus, he's like, forty, his breath always smells
like stale beer and he always wears the same Pavement t-shirt and
ratty Chuck Taylors."
I have no interest in fattening the wallets of those fascist executives
at Dreamworks or AOL/Time Warner or whatever" says Reinstadt
"I can make a perfectly good living selling real music to real
music fans. Take this seven inch split single by Peabody and UltraFag,
this is good music. Well, it's not as good as their first single,
but it's still pretty good. It's a little too mainstream-sounding
for my taste, but still better than any of that bullshit, button-down
crap you find in Alternative Press."
guy is a dick." Said Fister "Used to be, if a band even
recorded in a studio instead of their basement, he'd slag it like
they were whoring for the man or some shit. He's gotten to the point
where he hates bands before they even exist! What a tool!"
Headstone Will Read "Doo Doo Doot Doo Doo Doo"
to frontman Stephen Jenkins,
Third Eye Blind have been busy writing and preparing for the band's
next record. Jenkins says they have over 40 songs to record when
the group starts work on the album next month. Jenkins wrote most
of the material in the last year while in a "deep depression".
While Jenkins refused to comment on the cause of the depression,
an anonymous source attributed the rut to several things. "Well,
for one thing, Stephen got dumped by Charlize Thieron, who is a
total piece of ass. Then, his mortal enemies, Matchbox 20, sold
like, 80 gazillion records after he badmouthed Rob Thomas all over
the place. Eating a whole giant-ass plate of crow can make anybody
depressed. Not only that, but he realizes now that his music is
total triple-A craprock made to be cranked in SUVs when their sales
executive fans want to "rock out" You'd be depressed,
About "MC Helping Hand"?
mogul Master P's brother, C-Murder, has turned himself in to authorities
in Baton Rouge, Louisiana to answer charges of attempted murder
and illegal use of a weapon. Murder, whose real name is Corey Miller,
allegedly fired shots outside a nightclub after the club's owner
would not admit him without being searched. Naturally, Murder's
attorneys are denying all charges.
irony of the charges against Murder has not been lost on some rappers.
New York rappers, MC Attempted Rape and DJ Felonious Assault, said
they "may be thinking about changing their rap name to something
like "Big Poppa Charity Work and DJ Homebody" or "Lucky
Charms and Froot Brute"
+ Crap = Crap
idols N*Sync are giving back to the institution of teen pop by taking
80's dreck purveyor Deborah Gibson out on a series of dates. Formerly
known as Debbie Gibson, the all-grown-up Deborah will be opening
six shows for the mega-popstars, starting last night in Indianapolis.
Gibson is currently staging a comeback of sorts to the world of
teen pop. "It was actually my mom's idea" said Gibson.
Gibson's mother is also her manager. "She wanted to get me
out in front of the hottest act on the road right now. Talks with
the Ozzfest people broke down, so we went after the next best thing."
Gibson will be performing a mercifully short twenty-minute set which
will include a medley of her hits Shake Your Love, Electric Youth,
Lost In Your Eyes, and Cherry Bomb.
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