One Bites The Angel Dust
singer has fallen victim to "exhaustion". This time, it
was once popular singer Bobby Brown, who happens to also be the
husband of another "exhaustion" prone star, Whitney Houston.
According to Brown's publicist, Nancy "Pay Me And I'll Lie
For You" Steltzer, Brown collapsed and suffered a seizure in
his home studio Wednesday night. "He was literally working
nonstop for three to four days recording his new album. He was getting
in the groove...he hadn't been getting enough fluid and basically
he was lightheaded." lied Steltzer, euphemistically explaining
Brown's four-day crack binge. According to hospital sources, the
singer refused urinalysis and a blood test when taken to the emergency
room at Morristown Memorial Hospital in New Jersey. "He was
feeling fine and didn't feel the tests were necessary." said
Steltzer, darting her eyes nervously around the room, shuffling
her feet and perspiring profusely.
What The Ambulance Dragged In
bassist, Bobby Dall, was rushed to a Nebraska hospital on August
5th to undergo an "anterior cervical diskectomy with allograft
fusion". "It means he fucked up his back rocking out,
man!" said the group's guitarist, C.C. DeVille. DeVille suffered
a similar injury recently when he attempted to perfom fellatio on
himself. During DeVille's lengthy recovery period, Poison recruited
the services of guitarist Gary Richrath, formerly of REO Speedwagon.
"Gary was the only guy we knew who played as shitty as C.C."
said vocalist and frontman Brett Michaels. As a result of Dall's
injury, however, Poison has been forced to cancel the remaining
dates of their "Mullets, Music and Muscle Shirts" Tour.
According to the band, ticketholders will be able to return their
tickets for a pile of dogshit.
Bother Unpacking, Marion
NFL player/film producer and CEO of Death Row records, Marion "Suge"
Knight, was released from an Oregon prison Monday night. Immediately
after his release, Knight flew to Los Angeles where he treated himself
to "Dairy Queen, a good cigar and a wet orifice that wasn't
connected to a man, for a change." Knight had been in prison
since 1996 for a probation violation. In an interview conducted
just days prior to his release, Knight made clear his intentions
to "settle some scores" with former Death Row recording
artist Snoop Dogg and longtime enemy Sean "Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Mouth
Breather" Combs. Said Knight "It's gonna be like the Wild
West when I get out." Given the many corrupt L.A. policemen
and gangsters on the Death Row payroll, his short temper, thirst
for revenge and IQ of a fourth-grader, legal experts predict Knight
will be back in prison by Christmas.
You Wanna Suck A Two-Inch
Bizkit have recorded a version of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's Relax
for the soundtrack of Ben Stiller's new film, Zoolander.
"It's not really a cover version" says the track's producer,
BT, "You'll know what I mean when you hear it." FGTH founder,
Holly Johnson, praised Bizkit and their choice. "I think it's
positively delicious that closeted rough trade like that lot decided
to record our tune." said Johnson. "If I were twenty years
younger, I'd make sure their bizkits weren't limp." The other
guy from FGTH, the one who wore the little black baseball hat, could
not be reached for comment.
Special Report - Who Will Save Our Celebs?
of pop diva-Mariah Carey's hospitalization this week served as a
grim reminder of an all-too-common affliction plaguing the world's
this week, Carey was admitted to an undisclosed hospital for treatment
of "extreme exhaustion" after leaving a series of bizarre
and rambling messages on her official website. Reports on Carey's
condition prior to her admittance have varied wildly, telling of
a thwarted suicide attempt, drug abuse and depression. These reports
are largely rumor.
has become another in a long line of entertainers struck down by
this mysterious and insidious condition. Recent victims include
pop-singer Brandy, comedic actor Martin Lawrence, country singer
Leann Rhimes, former lesbian and actress Anne Heche and Carey's
fellow diva, Whitney Houston.
seeing more and more of these cases come through our doors",
said prominent Beverly Hills physician and exhaustion specialist,
Dr. Joel Gunn, "and we don't see any sign of it slowing down,
unfortunately. As long as the nation as a whole has an almost insatiable
hunger for entertainment, our performers will continue to pay the
price with their bodies and minds." Efforts to isolate a particular
cause of exhaustion have been fruitless, for the most part. "We
have narrowed our research in a few different directions" said
Gunn. "One possible cause is a pathogen in the bloodstream
that fights the red blood cells of the host. The host in this case
was television's Matthew Perry. It seems Mr. Perry had this pathogen
in his bloodstream in great numbers, up to one hundred times greater
than a normal man of his age. While we do not know specifically
how Perry contracted this "rogue cell", if you will, we
do have a few theories."
see, when a person reaches the stature of a Matthew Perry or a Mariah
Carey, that person begins to change mentally. As modern medicine
is now aware, mental changes can play a significant role in causing
physical changes. The patient is often adored by millions and, as
a result, is lavished with gifts and money. This showering of affection
often results in an inflated sense of self-worth and importance,
which then triggers a release of serotonin in the brain. Normal
people enjoy healthy doses of serotonin, a chemical found in the
circuitry of the brain, while enjoying a fine meal or a walk through
a garden. In small doses, this minute increase in the chemical is
harmless, but in cases like Carey or Perry's, we are seeing serotonin
levels that are well off the scale. We feel that this increased
serotonin level somehow either creates the pathogen or awakens it
from a dormant state. In Perry's case, he saw himself as a God,
capable of creating and destroying life. The mental side-effects
can be crippling, but when you combine these with the physical effects
of delusions of self-importance, we begin to see a rise in the exhaustion
causing pathogens, or "Famousites" as we call them. In
the latter stages of exhaustion, the celebrity is often so debilitated,
they may barely be able to take lunch meetings or talk on their
wireless telephones, much less endure the rigors of a one and a
half hour concert or three-hour television taping. Only in the past
few weeks have we been able to observe these Famousites in a laboratory
environment. We have much to learn yet."
Dr. Gordon Kemp of the prestigious Johns Hopkins Institute said
of Dr. Gunn's findings. "When Whitney Houston cancels her fourth
concert in a row, do you honestly think she is crawling with some
pathogenic blood cell? I should think not. She is most likely suffering
from common withdrawal symptoms associated with crack addiction,
plain and simple. When you come home and find Anne Heche babbling
in your bushes, she doesn't need a blood test, she needs a breathalyzer
test. Where is this diagnosis when a coal miner complains of fatigue?
Why are athletes not rushed to the hospital by the truckload after
every event, suffering from this condition? Quite simply it is a
"pretend" illness, made up by publicists and "Doctors"
of dubious accreditation to cover for real illnesses like drug and
alcohol addiction, pedophilia, kleptomania and general sociopathic
disorders." Dr. Kemp continued "You never heard of Perry
Como or Mario Lanza going to the hospital for exhaustion. What about
actors like Buddy Ebsen or Karen Valentine?"
or farce, the numbers do not lie. Exhaustion is on the rise among
America's rich and famous and laying waste to the entertainment
community. Unless we raise awareness and funding for research, our
children may be left without leisure-time entertainment and, more
importantly, an industry into which they can dump their considerable
discretionary income dollars.
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