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Bring The Old Lady And We'll Come

Billy Bob ThorntonOscar winning actor, director and envy of millions, Billy Bob Thornton, has postponed a Fall concert tour. The tour was to be in support of an album, apparently recorded by Thornton earlier this year, entitled something, which is scheduled for release sometime.

Nationwide apathy toward the release was a major factor in the tour's postponement, according to Thornton's former publicist, Joel Shapiro. "When we made the announcement, it was virtually ignored by all the major press outlets." said Shapiro. "Then, when Billy's manager tried to book the shows, all the venues said "Who? Was that the guy who played the retard in that one movie?" then most of them laughed."

Thornton fired Shapiro shortly after the tour fell through. "He blamed it all on me, which I don't think was very fair. After all, the guy is really only famous for being Angelina Jolie's freaky husband who is afraid of furniture. I mean, who knew he was some sort of musician?" said Shapiro. "Let's face it, we haven't seen a tour get canned this quickly since Donny Most's "Return of Ralph" tour in '83."

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Watch For The Sappy Ballad Entitled "Dallas"

Dallas DurstLimp Bizkit frontman, Fred Durst welcomed a new addition to the Durst extended family on Thursday, when 7-pound, 3-ounce Dallas Durst was pulled out of an unnamed groupie.

"He came out and said "Whaaaasssuuuup!" said Durst of his son's arrival, oblivious to the formerly popular catch-phrase's status as "so over".

Durst was reportedly present for the child's birth but, as nurse Rose Forston reports, "He wasn't paying much attention. He was on his cel phone the entire time yelling at people and cursing. He wouldn't wear a gown because he said it was "wack" and he kept wearing his mask backwards."

Durst announced on Friday that the one-day old boy has been signed to a three-disc deal at Interscope Records, saying "Yo, as soon as he learns to talk, this shit'll be off da hook, yo."

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Miss March Vs. Doctor Feelgood

Vince NeilThe latest Mrs. Vince Neil, Heidi Mark, filed for divorce on Wednesday in a Los Angeles Superior Court. Mark, a former Playboy Playmate, cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split. The couple has been married for fourteen months.

This was Neil's twenty-third marriage to a silicone-injected bimbot and Mark's fourth to a fading rock star.

Sources close to the couple reported trouble with the union almost immediately after the wedding when the couple was overheard arguing loudly in a Los Angeles restaurant. "They were screaming at each other." said one eyewitness. "Vince was all "Dude!" and Heidi was like "Whatever!", then Vince goes "Dude!" then Heidi was all "Whatever!" It was fucked up."

Naturally, Mark is seeking spousal support.

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Never Let Death Impede Commerce

Long Beach All StarsThe two non-dead members of Sublime, now part of Long Beach Dub All-Stars have once again collaborated with their singer, Bradley Nowell, in spite of the fact that Nowell has been dead for five years. The song, entitled Sunny Hours, features lines taken from Sublime's hit, What I Got.

"I thought Brad's voice fit really well with the song, which definitely has the same sort of vibe as a lot of the stuff on the Sublime album," said LBDA DJ and percussionist, Marshall Goodman . "When you hear him, even just a line or two, you are reminded how talented he was."

Musical collaborations with the dearly departed are not new. Natalie Cole once sang with her dead father on Unforgettable. Even The Beatles worked with John Lennon as part of the Anthology series. The LBDA track is actually the first in a wave of posthumous platters set to hit stores. Blind Melon have been in the studio, working on an album with dead singer, Shannon Hoon. "I never thought I'd say this, but I actually like working with Shannon better now." said Melon guitarist Rogers Stevens. "

Seminal rock act Van Halen have gotten into the act, as well. "Fortunately for us, Dave (singer David Lee Roth) has lost over 75% of his brain function. We've had him declared legally dead." said VH drummer Alex Van Halen. "This way, we just pay a flat fee to his estate and we can still take his corpse out on the road."

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Mishter Chairmeh, Wanna Shee My Tiss?

Courtney LoveCourtney Love and Don Henley are scheduled to testify before a California State Senate sub-committee on contract law next month.

Love, a former heroin-addicted stripper and widow of grunge rock martyr, Kurt Cobain, has begun a one-woman fight against record companies' contract practices.

Henley, a former cocaine-addicted fan of underage prostitutes and member of the seminal California easy listening group, The Eagles, is a self-proclaimed expert on many topics, including contract law and environmental issues.

The committee will discuss California Labor Code Section 2855, a 56-year-old statute that says any entertainer working under a personal-service contract cannot be held to a contract for more than seven years. Record companies secured an amendment in 1987 that made artists under contract liable for albums still owed to labels even after seven years.

Record company sources are reportedly looking forward to the artists' testimony. "We encourage all artists to step forward and address complex issues" said one executive "If not for Sting, the rainforests would still be threatened. Without Rage Against The Machine, we would still live in a country run by corporate interests and thanks to Bono, peace has finally come to Ireland." The executive then twirled his handlebar mustache and covered his face with his black cape. The executive was quoted as saying "Muahahahahaha!" before scurrying off.

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