The Old Lady And We'll Come
winning actor, director and envy of millions, Billy Bob Thornton,
has postponed a Fall concert tour. The tour was to be in support
of an album, apparently recorded by Thornton earlier this year,
entitled something, which is scheduled for release sometime.
apathy toward the release was a major factor in the tour's postponement,
according to Thornton's former publicist, Joel Shapiro. "When
we made the announcement, it was virtually ignored by all the major
press outlets." said Shapiro. "Then, when Billy's manager
tried to book the shows, all the venues said "Who? Was that
the guy who played the retard in that one movie?" then most
of them laughed."
fired Shapiro shortly after the tour fell through. "He blamed
it all on me, which I don't think was very fair. After all, the
guy is really only famous for being Angelina Jolie's freaky husband
who is afraid of furniture. I mean, who knew he was some sort of
musician?" said Shapiro. "Let's face it, we haven't seen
a tour get canned this quickly since Donny Most's "Return of
Ralph" tour in '83."
For The Sappy Ballad Entitled "Dallas"
Bizkit frontman, Fred Durst welcomed a new addition to the Durst
extended family on Thursday, when 7-pound, 3-ounce Dallas Durst
was pulled out of an unnamed groupie.
came out and said "Whaaaasssuuuup!" said Durst of his
son's arrival, oblivious to the formerly popular catch-phrase's
status as "so over".
was reportedly present for the child's birth but, as nurse Rose
Forston reports, "He wasn't paying much attention. He was on
his cel phone the entire time yelling at people and cursing. He
wouldn't wear a gown because he said it was "wack" and
he kept wearing his mask backwards."
announced on Friday that the one-day old boy has been signed to
a three-disc deal at Interscope Records, saying "Yo, as soon
as he learns to talk, this shit'll be off da hook, yo."
March Vs. Doctor Feelgood
latest Mrs. Vince Neil, Heidi Mark, filed for divorce on Wednesday
in a Los Angeles Superior Court. Mark, a former Playboy Playmate,
cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split. The
couple has been married for fourteen months.
was Neil's twenty-third marriage to a silicone-injected bimbot and
Mark's fourth to a fading rock star.
close to the couple reported trouble with the union almost immediately
after the wedding when the couple was overheard arguing loudly in
a Los Angeles restaurant. "They were screaming at each other."
said one eyewitness. "Vince was all "Dude!" and Heidi
was like "Whatever!", then Vince goes "Dude!"
then Heidi was all "Whatever!" It was fucked up."
Mark is seeking spousal support.
Let Death Impede Commerce
two non-dead members of Sublime,
now part of Long Beach Dub All-Stars have once again collaborated
with their singer, Bradley Nowell, in spite of the fact that Nowell
has been dead for five years. The song, entitled Sunny Hours,
features lines taken from Sublime's hit, What I Got.
thought Brad's voice fit really well with the song, which definitely
has the same sort of vibe as a lot of the stuff on the Sublime album,"
said LBDA DJ and percussionist, Marshall Goodman . "When you
hear him, even just a line or two, you are reminded how talented
collaborations with the dearly departed are not new. Natalie Cole
once sang with her dead father on Unforgettable. Even The
Beatles worked with John Lennon as part of the Anthology series.
The LBDA track is actually the first in a wave of posthumous platters
set to hit stores. Blind Melon have been in the studio, working
on an album with dead singer, Shannon Hoon. "I never thought
I'd say this, but I actually like working with Shannon better now."
said Melon guitarist Rogers Stevens. "
rock act Van Halen have gotten into the act, as well. "Fortunately
for us, Dave (singer David Lee Roth) has lost over 75% of his brain
function. We've had him declared legally dead." said VH drummer
Alex Van Halen. "This way, we just pay a flat fee to his estate
and we can still take his corpse out on the road."
Chairmeh, Wanna Shee My Tiss?
Love and Don Henley are scheduled to testify before a California
State Senate sub-committee on contract law next month.
a former heroin-addicted stripper and widow of grunge rock martyr,
Kurt Cobain, has begun a one-woman fight against record companies'
a former cocaine-addicted fan of underage prostitutes and member
of the seminal California easy listening group, The Eagles, is a
self-proclaimed expert on many topics, including contract law and
committee will discuss California Labor Code Section 2855, a 56-year-old
statute that says any entertainer working under a personal-service
contract cannot be held to a contract for more than seven years.
Record companies secured an amendment in 1987 that made artists
under contract liable for albums still owed to labels even after
company sources are reportedly looking forward to the artists' testimony.
"We encourage all artists to step forward and address complex
issues" said one executive "If not for Sting, the rainforests
would still be threatened. Without Rage Against The Machine, we
would still live in a country run by corporate interests and thanks
to Bono, peace has finally come to Ireland." The executive
then twirled his handlebar mustache and covered his face with his
black cape. The executive was quoted as saying "Muahahahahaha!"
before scurrying off.
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