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What, No "Walk Like A Camel"?

Clear Channel LogoIn the wake of the terrorist attacks, Clear Channel, owner of nearly 1180 radio stations countrywide, has banned a large list of songs from its airwaves in the wake of last week's terrorist attacks. Songs containing such words as "Tuesday", "Fire" and "War" are among the banned tunes. The list also includes such inexplicable head-scratchers as Ob La Di, Ob La Da by The Beatles and Louis Armstrong's What A Wonderful World.

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Big Ups To My Peeps In Da Tents, Yo!

George BushIn a speech to reporters yesterday, President Bush said that terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden was Wanted Dead Or Alive. The statement sent thousands of trembling classic rock radio interns scrambling to add soundbites to the Bon Jovi hit of the same name.

Taliban officials in Afghanistan released a statement shortly after the President's speech, saying Hit Me With Your Best Shot. That statement then sent thousands of trembling classic rock radio interns scrambling to add soundbites to the Pat Benatar hit of the same name.

Colin PowellUpon hearing the Taliban announcement, Secretary of State, Colin Powell told reporters that Afghanistan was on a Highway To Hell, prompting thousands of trembling classic rock radio interns scrambling to add soundbites to the AC/DC hit of the same name.

Hours after Powell's statement, Muslim extremist Abdullah Al Hasid told London's Sun newspaper that I Wanna Dance With Somebody. The statement prompted thousands of trembling top forty radio interns to add soundbites to the Whitney Houston hit of the same name.

Donald RumsfeldSecretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, responded to Hasid's statement from the Pentagon, saying the United States would make Bin Laden sing The Theme From The Rockford Files, prompting thousands of morning show interns to add soundbites to the Mike Post hit of the same name.

Many radio interns have decided to simultaneously broadcast CNN and music in order to lessen the "tribute song" work load.

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Whitney Crack Whore, And I Don't Care!

Whitney HoustonAudience members were stunned at the appearance of Whitney Houston at the Michael Jackson Celebrity Freakshow (see below) last Friday night. Houston appeared gaunt and "skeletal" according to the New York Post. (Click image at left for larger picture.)

Amid whispers of drug use, Houston's appearance did nothing to quell rumors. The event was filmed by CBS for broadcast later this year. One CBS staffer said of Houston's appearance, "I don't think we can use the footage."

Houston's husband, Bobby Brown was briefly hospitalized for "lightheadedness" less than a month ago, but quickly left the hospital when he learned that blood and urine tests would be administered.

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What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

Michael JacksonIn other freakshow news, Michael Jackson performed in the first of a series of tribute concerts at New York's Madison Square Garden on Friday. Officially entitled "Michael Jackson, 30th Anniversary Celebration, The Solo Years", the concert should have been called "Michael Gets Jacked On By A Coterie Of Increasingly Freakish Admirers" Featured "entertainers" included Mya, Usher, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Liza Minnelli, Marlon Brando, Slash, Whitney Houston and the Jackson Five.

The concert was stalled on numerous occasions by long pauses between acts. After one such pause, Marlon Brando appeared reclining on a leather couch. After introducing himself, Brando then said "In any event while your...wondering who that old fat fart is sitting there...I wanted you to realize that in that minute there were hundreds if not thousands of children hacked to death with a machete, beaten to death by their parents, got typhus and died of a disease." Handlers then rushed Brando offstage before he could take his pants off or make any inappropriate references to children being molested.

Jackson himself did not perform until well after the halfway mark of the five-hour-plus concert. First joining his brothers onstage for a Jackson Five reunion run-through of their Motown hits, then performing carbon copies of his well-known videos such as The Way You Make Me Feel, which featured Spears in the role of the skinny chick from the video. Jackson wowed the crowd with a step-by-step reproduction of his famous Billie Jean performance from the Motown 25 celebration.

In attendance were such glitterati as Dionne Warwick, Denise Rich, Ann Miller, Petula Clark, Gloria Estefan, Kenny Rogers, Gallagher, The Hudson Brothers, Mickey Gilly, Pink Lady, Rosie Grier, Lawrence Hilton Jacobs and the reanimated corpse of Doug Henning.

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Pretty On The Outside

Courtney LoveCourtney Love has lost half of her fledgling "back-to-basics" punk band, Bastard. Guitarist Louise Post, formerly and currently of the band Veruca Salt, announced she has left the group but wishes Love "All the best." Also leaving the group is fire-breathing Amazon bassist, Corey Parks, formerly of Nashville Pussy. Parks could not be reached for comment.

Love's regular gig as the leader of Hole is on hold due to a label dispute and the fact that Love is incapable of writing material without outside assistance. According to Love, she formed Bastard as a "way to get back to my punk-rock roots and just play some rock and roll."

Insiders speculate that Bastard was merely a way for Love to remain in the headlines while her band is on hiatus.

Love reportedly required the members of Bastard to "clean themselves up", attend several fashion shows with her and hob-knob with the hoi polloi. She became increasingly demanding as the weeks wore on, once requiring Parks, Post and drummer Patty Schmeil to carry her handbag, daughter and stash, respectively, to a film premiere.

In a series of incoherent posts to the Hole.com message boards, Love attempted to deflect the blame of the departures on the departed, saying "ther is so muxch youguyss dont know about what wnet on, but ill keeo it to myself until later when I can sepak my mind!!!!!!!11 don tbeleivee ever t hing you red!11"

Post has returned to Veruca Salt and Parks is reportedly looking for an inch of flesh on her body that hasn't been tattooed yet.

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