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- TRIBUET CONCERT PLANNED -

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, when a recording artist dies or disaster occurs, you can count on local band dudes to fall all over themselves in a rush to organize a "TRIBUET CONCERT" to the fallen artist or to benefit the victims of the disaster.

It all begins on the yokel band message boards...


11:06 PM - OMG D00DZ THAT GUY FROM FALL WEEPS GENTLY DEID!!.
11:07 PM - OMG IM SO BUMMED OUT I"M ORGANIZIGN A FALL WEPS GENTLY TRIBUET CONCERT TO BENIFIT BATTRED MOTHERS AGIANST AIDS HOEMLESS
11:08 - CUONT US IN DUDE
11:08 - BATTLEFAGS R IN!
11:08 – IN UR MOM!!
11:09 - NOOO! WEN DID TIHS HAPPEN?! P.S. I'M THERE.
11:09 - WEV GOT A SHOW TAHT NITE BUT WELL CUM LATER!! RIP DUDE FROM FWG!
11:09 – I CUMMED ON MYSLEF!! LOL!!!

And so on.

These "concerts" are staged roughly twelve to fifteen times annually, depending on the year's body/disaster count. They consist of ten to twelve yokel bands performing covers of that week's dead artist’s songs. Ostensibly, all proceeds are to be donated to some feel-good charity like Musicians Against Pet Rape or Free Scott Weiland. Since all of the band members, their friends, their weed dealers and their girlfriends are on “the guest list”, these shows usually net between fifteen and twenty dollars for the charity.

At the show, amid the jokes, the din of the bands, the laughs and yelling, a casual observer might say “Gee, this doesn’t seem very somber. This just seems like a regular night out.” But that casual observer would be wrong.

You see, band dudes deal with grief differently than other people. A band dude may grieve by joking loudly, not listening to the other bands, laughing and/or gesticulating wildly. He may also become very drunk and vomit on himself or lose control of his bladder. He may become agitated and strike a fellow band dude or his own girlfriend because they didn’t save any “grieving powder” for him. Do not judge this man. Let the man grieve in his own way.

If you see a woman screaming with her shirt up over her head or administering oral sex in the bathroom or kissing another girl or vomiting, remind yourself that this woman is crying on the inside.

These TRIBEUT shows serve two important functions for band dudes:

1. They allow the band dude to appear deeply concerned committed to whatever charity the event supposedly benefits. In the days preceeding the show, he can pontificate at length on the message boards about the injustice of pet rape or how "THE FACSITS ARE KEEPING WIELAND DOWN WITH THER DARCONIAN DRUG LAWS!!" This lip service is important because a band dude can’t actually donate money to the cause because he doesn’t HAVE any money. More importantly, if he was especially productive at the plasma center that week and was able to donate, no one would be able to see him doing it, thereby rendering his philanthropy pointless. He is also unable to volunteer his time to the cause. Volunteering requires a great deal of effort, usually starts too early in the morning and again, unless he were volunteering at the Free Clinic, none of his peers would see him doing it.

By performing at a TRIBUET show, the band d00d is able to be conspicuously philanthropic and socially conscious in front of people, where it is most effective. He is able to show all in attendance that he is, in fact, deeply saddened by the loss of such a great artist or that he is concerned with the plight of those people that have those diseases or stuff happened to.

2. They allow band d00ds an opportunity to flex their acting muscles. Since these are ostensibly somber affairs, dudes are given ample opportunity to chew the scenery onstage with pained expressions and heart-wrenching monologues about the dead guy whose album he borrowed the day before the show to learn the song that wasn't a hit.

To wit:

Band Dude - “You know, people…I was going through a real tough time in my life…” [gaze skyward and squint]
Audience - “WOOOOOOO!”
Band Dude - “…and there was one thing that always helped me through…” [bite lower lip and stare intently to the left]
Audience - “WOOOOOOO!”
Band Dude - [emphatic pause]
Band Dude - “…one thing that helped me see…that there was a way out…” [lower head and wipe sweat (tears?) away from eyes]
Audience - “WOOOOOOO!”
Band Dude - “…and that thing was this song…ONE TWO THREE FOUR!!…”

So, the next time some sad emo-guy, legendary country artist or smack-addicted rocker dies, overdoses or stabs himself in the neck, keep an eye out for the inevitable TRIBEUT CONCERT in your area featuring your own yokel rock stars. They are the most blatantly craven attention whores on the planet and would shamelessly fuck the dried husks of the deceased if they thought it would bring them some publicity.

 

 
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