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It’s called “The Barrel”, as in “It’s your turn in the barrel.” Each week, the RRC Forum will do what it does best: Unload on one of the countless millions of craptacular bands out there. After they’ve had their fill, we’ll post the highlights for you here. Horrible, bitter people making fun of talentless, deluded idiots. Ain’t that America?

Who’s in The Barrel this week?

Band: The PrimadonnaZ
Hometown: Philadelphia, PA
Genre: “Glam” Rock (meaning a lot of make-up, hot pink and pouting.)

Every city’s got that part of town. It’s a little run-down and unsafe. You head down there when you need scented candles, bong-screens or vinyl and you worry about your car the whole time. Your visit is an olfactory orgy of urine, rotten-apple-sweet-sour beer sludge and patchouli oil. The area is populated mainly by old hippies, new hipsters and jolly lesbians. And, while you’re there, you’ll most likely encounter several instances of…This Guy …

He’s been 38 since 2002. He’s pale and covered with bad, hard-to-decipher tattoos. He and his photographer girlfriend painstakingly dye his teased and thinning hair some primary color. He’s a little too doughy for a sleeveless shirt and a lot too doughy for those fishnet stockings.

Remember how shocked you were when you first saw him? How he shook up your button-down suburban world and tore apart your preconceived notions of gender roles and sexuality? … You don’t? ... He didn’t? … Well, don’t tell him that. In his mind, he’s a seventeen year-old street-walkin’ cheetah out to rock the world while he’s high on pills and getting his dick sucked by Marc Bolan and Ultra Violet. People stop and gawk at his audacity as he struts. They shield their childrens' eyes from his smoldering gaze. The women all want him and the men all hate him because the women want him. He's pure sex in leather.

Meanwhile, back on Planet NotDelusional, he’s a tired caricature. An old cliché as shocking in today’s reality TV world as Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. He’d be just another pitiable anachronism if he wasn’t such an asshole.

And he’s in a band. Shocker.

Well, here’s one of a million versions of “that guy” and here’s one of a million versions of his awful band. Smell the desperation...

The Primadonnaz

Forum member Jackassrock had this to say:

About three or four times a week a band comes along that answers the musical question, Who needs to Fuckin' Quit, Seriously ? The Primadonnaz, Philly's most irrelevant rockers, are one of those bands. Checking out their bios...

" Mikey, known for over the top outfits, leading a crowd into frenzy, and his "one of a kind" lead vocals, is the living definition of the term superstar.

Dan Parsels, His emotional style and incredible hooks are a huge part of The Primadonnaz' innovative sound.

Drummer, Bobby Alucard, has made a lasting impression on the Philadelphia scene with his previous Kiss cover band Deuce.

Next, on bass, is the laid back Rikki Seven. He makes no apologies for being a Primadonna and his fascination for the seven deadliest sins."

I was struck with the notion that this was a band to be seen and not heard. Unfortunately one look at their photo page proved my theory completely wrong.

The Primadonnaz

Forum bandit William James says

They suck with surgical precision.

Forum swashbuckler, chopinzghost, without aid of capitalization, says

i've done some really foolish things in my life - i've looked like a total kneebiter on more than one occasion. but in comparison to one of those band pics, i'd say the 10 most embarrassing moments in my life seem like a walk in the park.

The forum's resident gay negro from outer space, Hankthemailman, wrote

Nikki Seven???

They blended the Ramones, Motley Crue, LA Guns and this guy (himself a blend of Bono and Elvira Lewinsky)

Elvira Lewinsky

and for what? To sell out shows "at New York City's CBGS" - didn't we cover this old smoke n' mirrors gag?

Am I disappointed by these guys? No. I'm pleased. Pleased that my theories about Philadelphia still being lamer than Baltimore stand firm in 2005.

Bold New Years prediction: Mikey Primadonna will hijack Philadelphia's inner city youth subculture and hold it hostage until they slowly put down the Usher and start "expressing the joys, tragedies, and wet dreams that American teens" should - Primadonna style!

Niggaz'll dig it!

Forum cowboy iaingillis said

A quote from the band's last journal entry:

"whens the next show u ask??? well boys and girls never fear!!! the next wild party w/ us is the night one of the most talented and controversial artists of all time grace the stage of the ELECTRIC FACTORY "MARILYN MANSON"!!! we will be playin a bar just around the corner which is actually attached to the same building called "WHISKEY DIX" about 15 mins after MANSON is finished... so come and check out the show!!!"

You know that you have made it as a band when you get the opportunity to play around the corner from Marilyn Manson! That's almost as good as going into a public washroom while Tracii Guns is taking a dump in the stall next to you. Brush with greatness!

This fella represents everything that is "glam-rock": the make-up, the wild fashions, the Twinkies, the Ho-Hos, the beef jerky, the "meat sweats"..

Elvira Again.

From Mikey Primadonna's bio:

"His lyrics often describe the horrors of love.."

I'm pretty sure that when you look up "horrors of love" in Webster's, this picture is there:

The Horrors Of Love

Forum Admiral, mohillic, said

The Site:

general site layout is ghey and not appealing. you don't even know where the links are till you happen to hover over the stars.

lame bio section, photo section, shows pages lacks updates, journal? just write your bullshit in the news section dumbass. merch? none worth mentioning.

The Music:

um, where is it?

overall i give the site a negative infinity out of 100, it should be deleted from the internet and they should be deleted from the earth.

TammyHagar purred the following

Oh, where to begin. The mad geocities skillz-style website? The "look" of the band? I mean seriously, did they gather 'round the old rehearsal space one night (read: Mikey's mom's basement) and think "Rainbow Brite gets eaten by a goth pedophile" was a good theme? And can someone please tell me why all the pushing-40 rockers out there think that vinyl pants will somehow mask their man-guts... "Gee, maybe the glare will distract everyone from my beer belly".

I think the saddest thing about this band is that there's no actual music up on their site. Like maybe they thought their WYKKID AEWSOME hair stylez and the fact that they played in the general proximity of Marilyn Manson would impress people enough to get them out their shows.

All of that being said I hope that when I'm on the bad side of 40 and have to tuck my besprayed mullet up into a hairnet during the day that I'll still have the drive, ambition and sheer delusion as these douches.

Finally, genereaux drops a LOLbomb.

Single-handedly keeping the 'mesh clothing' industry afloat in these tasteful times, the Primadonnaz are taking the nation by storm. Perhaps less a storm than, say, a drizzle (or light fog) and maybe not the nation so much as 30 block pocket of Philly.

That aside, the Primadonnaz have given the Glam genre the one thing that's been missing since the spiders from mars banged a gong. The answer to the long standing question- What If Meatloaf and Blackie Lawless had a love-child? The answer stands (or staggers) center-stage at every Primadonnaz show in the form of frontman Mikey Primadonna. A vapid, yet eerie, look into the future for Cheesfries (after 5 stomach staplings and unfortunate encounter with a Mary Kay convention).

A brief walk through the website offers a glimpse into the musical genius that is the Primadonnaz. The website interfaces like a broken 'Speak and Say', only without the syntax. What little you CAN learn about Philly's latest offering to a dead genre, should be enough to keep any reasonable person out of the same building as any member of the band- As Marylin Manson can tell you.
The best thing to be said about the website (though not the band) is that it WON'T subject you to their music. Through the bios and links, one can easily infer the wounded cat cacophony that their 'fans' are subjected to every thursday at Stucky's, from 8-9:30, just before the karoke guy starts.

Yes Bobby, the world needs the Primadonnaz like it needs ANOTHER KISS tribute band. But remember, Dans GC discount is only good for drum sticks- Don't quit your day job at the drug store cosmetics counter just yet, you've got TWO bands to keep looking 'pretty'.

And I'm certain that everyone will join me as we wish good luck to Rikki Seven as he joins forces with John Five (Manson) and Johnny 5 (lame movie robot) to start a Hendrix tribute band called "If 60's were 90's".

See you next week when another band gets their turn in The Barrel.


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