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There are several things that can make a terrible local band marginally less terrible. Practice, sure. Talent, absolutely. Lighting rig collapses and electrical fires can spice up a dull local show as well, but the chances of a local band being crushed, immolated or talented are so immeasurably small as to be insignificant. No, the simplest and most common way for a terrible band to be marginally less terrible is to get a hot chick in the band.

Everybody loves a hot chick, even other hot chicks. In fact, if late night infomercials are to be believed, hot chicks really love other hot chicks. Dudes love hot chicks, too. Put a hot chick in your band and you will see attendance to your shows skyrocket. Swinging dicks will come out in droves just to ogle the hot chick. Other hot chicks will come out in droves just to ogle the swinging dicks. More swinging dicks will come out in droves just to ogle the hot chicks ogling the swinging dicks ogling the hot chick. So goes the circle of life and it all begins when you put a hot chick in your band.

Hot chicks are found most often in the following band positions: Bass player (of course), keyboard player (naturally), and the most common of hot chick band positions, lead singer. Hot chick singers are almost always awful. However, just as no one was willing to tell the emperor his wang was hanging out, no one is willing to tell a hot chick singer she is awful. Everyone ignores her tuneless, thin and reedy wailing because she wears the stage-wear equivalent of “Hot Chick Halloween Costumes” (You know the ones. Hot chicks will dress as anything on Halloween, as long as it’s sexy. “Hot Nurse”, “Sexy Pirate”, “Naughty Tsunami Victim”, “Ribald Supreme Court Justice”) Ample cleavage, short skirts and electrical tape over the nipples are all staples of the hot chick singer wardrobe.

So what happens when a terrible, albeit hot chick singer is never made aware of her limited talent? She starts to believe that she is a gifted artist, that’s what. She might even decide it is a good idea to play flute in the band or to name the band after the color of her pubic hair.

But no one could be that delusional, right? Wrong.

Band: Firebox
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Genre: "Rock"

Firebox

Forum member Voice of Reason had this to say:

This line from the bio says more than I ever could.

Lory Lacy is a unique flutist, whose training in classical and jazz has led her to explore the boundaries of her instrument beyond its accepted role in music.

UncleRob said from beyond the grave:

FYVM, aka Firebox (figure that one out), at their best are a pedestrian riff band with the misdirected ambitions of being a pedestrian prog band. The singer, Lory Lacey is bloody painful to listen to with her low-rent Robert Plant wailing, plus she is thrown up so aggressively in the mix, her performance has all the subtleties of a slap on the nuts. Then the flute comes in…do I really need to go on here? Out of the three discs I was sent, I’ll probably hold on to this one…it makes me laugh.

iangillis takes a scientific approach


The Website: Gets an A for effort, and about a D- for execution. This website would have been really cool back in 1994. Actually, maybe not.

The Bio: Her jazz quartet was featured live on CNBC’s “Power Lunch”.

If this isn't "making it", I don't know what the fuck is.

The new incarnation named Firebox performs a four hour set which required digging deep into the work of their hero's (Zeppelin, G'n'R, Van Halen, etc.).

Four hours of a glorified cover band? I doubt that the average Guns 'n' Roses, Van Halen cover loving audience would be able to take four hours out of their busy schedules to even catch a show by these douches. I mean, come on now, that 1985 IROC-Z Camaro is not going to restore itself now, is it?

The resulting 40+ shows, dozens of rehearsals, and countless jam sessions, in less than 7 months have sharpened the band's performing and writing skills to a quality fit for a Samurai.

Umm, what? If a samurai ever needed a soundtrack to commit ritual seppuku by, maybe he'd listen to these guys.

The "Look": Whenever I think about rock and roll, this is the image that comes to mind.

Or not.

The Gig List: Where can you catch the powerfully honest hard rock stylings of Firefox, live and in person? Well, how do these rockin' venues grab ya, hoss?

Jerry's Bait Shop, Lenexa, KS
John's Big Deck, Kansas City, MO
Helen's Hilltop, Tonganoxie, KS
11th Annual Mule Run, Kearney, MO

I'm hearing through the grapevine that this year's Mule Run is going to be the best yet. Watch out for tornadoes.

slapguts is wowed

Ok, now I'm impressed.


 

Forum flamer Uck says


The new incarnation named Firebox performs a four hour set

Best conservative guess says 30-35% of this time is spent soloing.

Zeppelin, G'n'R, Van Halen, etc.

So which one of them got the fancy acapella coda? And who insisted on playing Sweet Child O' Mine in reggae time? (No, I haven't actually heard it but, somehow, I know that it's there)

payback makes a point

Am I the only guy who's noticed that this band is named after their flute player's cooter?

mohillic says

Browsing through the shows page quickly confirmed my earlier statement that this band only knows how to rock in places with big screen tv's and lots of sports memorabilia, mainly nascar.

I could go on but I think at this point the only summary that could be appropriate is:

If you ever see this band playing near your town, please alert the local fire marshal because when these guys unleash the rock, mullets everywhere will spontaneously combust.

Puzzleface observes

I'm guessing it is no mistake that every picture of the 'Les Paul' has either been blurred or cropped to hide the Epiphone logo.

Yermom makes a visual statement thusly

Mr.Meek is also a man of few words this week

Voice of Reason takes another shot

This is what happens when guys agree to back up a hot but untalented chick, just hoping it leads to a little bedroom olympics.

Dudes, just feed her drinks take away the microphone.

Finally, TammyHager wraps things up nicely

Every flute player, (especially those with a penchant to dress in black and paint on their eyebrows), thinks that they can be The One. The One who will bring flauting back from the depths to which Jethro Tull dragged it. The One who will come up with that kick ass flute riff that will erase all connotations of the utter gheyness that is playing the flute.

Lory Lacy, you are not The One. There will never be The One. It's the fucking flute.

And by the way? While your attempts at hitting notes don't go unnoticed, your utter resistance to achieve them doesn't either.

 

See you next week when another band gets their turn in The Barrel.

   
 

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