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The Hall of Douchebags is chock full of hapless high school Joshes and Jeremys with delusions of MTV stardom swimming in their faux-hawked heads. These pallid, doughy consumers can be forgiven their hubris simply because everyone under the age of twenty-five is an idiot. Only an idiot would wear women’s pants. That’s the state of things in the Aughts: Jeremy and Josh are so muddled by punk-rock T-Mobile ads and text-messaged come-ons from wooden manne-cunts like Paris Hilton and that chick, Ashton, from “That 70s Show” that they’ve lost all sense of decorum and prudence. They wear women’s pants, nail polish, lip gloss and make out with each other in a vain effort to get the attention of girls who are too jacked up on Red Bull, getting their clits pierced, flashing their tits and making out with each other to notice Jeremy and Josh in the first place. The boys are forced to resort to Extreem Measures® From Right Guard and faux-mosex each other just to get a rise of the jaded, spray-tanned tramps on whom they have old-fashioned crushes.

Hope I die before I get old…

What if Josh and Jeremy had been born in a simpler time? A time when things had knobs and a high-school dude could turn a chick’s head with a Fogelberg tune strummed softly on an Ovation? Surely without today’s relentless 24-hour, hyper-sexual marketing din, Josh and Jeremy might have a chance to be normal, right? They’d have a chance, like so many other pot-smoking dullards in the late 70s, to knock up their girlfriends, marry them, get a soul-crushing job at a manufacturing concern and relive the glory days via Bob Seger on the weekends.

What a drag it is, getting old…

But what if that wasn’t enough? What if they were surrounded by fat, goateed steakheads at work who drunkenly told them they “kicked ass” at guitar or were “awesome” doing karaoke “Night Moves” at the office Christmas party? What if they were so convinced of their unrecognized talent that they made it their life’s mission to be the first person in the history of recorded music to get a record deal at the age of 45? What if they lied about their ages, shaved their balding pates and got giant tribal tattoos on their chests? What if their mental checklist for achieving rock and roll superstardom at the age of 45 looked something like this…
1. Play the local chicken-wing joint on Saturdays
2. ?
3. Superstardom!

And what if they lost all capability to maintain rational thought in pursuit of the most public spectacle of a mid-life crisis imaginable?

Then they’d be

Band: Mindflavor
Hometown: Columbus, OH
Genre: Classic Rock

Mindflavor

Pauly starts us off, saying

There is enough rawktastic "Footage" to cobble a RRCTV after school special on that site. Although I have yet to FQ,S [Fucking Quit, Seriously - rrc]......THAT guy is a rarity that makes me want to punch myself in the face until he does. I don't think he even FS,S [Fucking Start, Seriously - rrc] until he was over 30. Starting douchebaggery at an early age is excusable.......but aspiring to it? He is the Golden Child of Douche Bags. Harsh tatties and all.

Some guy named n8ro suddenly appeared to say

wow. just wow.

I dont know what was worse in the video "Rest": the craptastic "effects" thrown in at random, the kitchenette in the background, or the "singer" pretending not to look at the camera as it pans past his fat mug.

Green657 coyly states

MindFlavor - Jesus H. Christ. Give it up.

From the sound of the one song on their website, these guys aspire to the greatness that is Nickelback or Creed. They may be well on their way to achieving that exalted goal. That is if God himself borgs down to LA to magically turn Chad Kroeger old, bald, fat, poor, and tuneless. Then maybe MindFlavor will approach Nickelback's lofty bar.

----------Tour Rider----------

Dressing Room Requirements:
* 18 Pack Genessee Cream Ale
* 4 Buckets (2 extra crispy, 1 original, 1 barbeque)
* Unlimited Phone Access (someone has to keep track of those grandkids)
* 3 XL System-Loc Back Braces (for liftin weights, not for hernia, really)

iaingillis bellows

If I have learned anything in my life, it is that the calibre of a band can be measured by the comments in their online guestbook. For example:

Jeff Cain from Columbus wrote: I saw you guys at whisky dicks wow, you guys are awesome, if your not on a record lable you should be, I see lots of band in columbus and most of them #@*%! no talent, Cant wait to see you guys again SOON !!!

A) This guy has a masterful control of the English language.
B) He hangs out at a bar called "Whiskey Dicks".
C) He is knowledgeable about the Columbus, Ohio music scene.

With the support of such luminaries as this, I'm surprised that MindFlavoR (nice D&D reference by the way, you clever little wizards you) isn't headlining Ozzfest or the Emergenza Festival.

BIKER STUD from PARTS UNKNOWN wrote: Do you "ride"?

From the looks of some of these steakheads, they've probably done their fair share of "riding" in many of Ohio's wonderful state penitentiaries.

simo from australia wrote: i just found some of your music on the internet, you guys "Kick #@*%!". i would rather buy your music than find it on the internet. how do i buy one of your cd's? i am on the other side of the world. if ever you come down under you guys can stay with me as long as u like. "Rock On"

People like "simo" here are why the douchebag population is flourishing all over the world. It's bad enough that you lend credence to these poor saps delusions of RAWK stardom, but you also offered them a place to stay? For shame, Simo, for shame. Ah well, what can you expect from someone who hails from a former penal colony.

nickelback from brighton wrote: MAN I LUV YOUR HOW U REMIND ME SONG ITS AWSOME DO SUM MORE NICKELBACK SONGS

This one pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

VoiceOfReason drops science

I'm at a loss to find the appropriate words to describe this band. The sum of this bands parts cannot be filtered down to one key label. Let's just call them Pathetically Generic Unimaginative LOLtastically Unoriginal Disposal Hybrid-Of-Everything-Boring-About-Music Middle Age Rock. Don't look for this category at your record store. This brand of musical belching can only be found in one place - piled in the singer's closet.

The videos deserve special note. Not only do you get a camcorder recording of the band performing "Rest" in their apartment, but you also are treated to paragraph after paragraph on exact production techniques that were used to create their magnum opus. With attention to detail like this, one can only assume the kitchen cabinets in the background are a subtle reference to some artsy concept I could never understand.

It's also nice to know that the band realizes that their legions of fans...HA I almost said that with a straight face...can't wait for new material, so the band is nice enough to provide sound files of jams and partial songs recorded on a ghetto blaster without vocals or other instruments. It cannot be stressed enough; many internet research studies have concluded that poor quality incomplete songs performed by half-cocked half-drunk half-assed half-retarded half-wits is an untapped marketing goldmine. After all, you can't just find fat old dumbasses jamming with no direction or song structure anywhere, right?

mohillic chimes in

summation:

another hard rockin' sports bar band tears up the scene. while the site itself is reasonable enough (pics, music, info, etc) it really brings the suck with great efficiency. a quality you just don't find with most douchebags.

Scranus succinctly states

Is "boring" a flavor?

Chairman B. sez

The production notes for "REST" are deceptive. At first blush, it seems like an apology for shaky camera work and inexperience with video effects. But, if you read it really closely, the lead singer is actually asking you to pat him on his enormous fleshy skull for his latent cinematic genius and juggling skills. Do us all a favor; take it as an apology and then don't accept it. Otherwise, you'll only encourage them.

The song itself isn't that bad if you like click-track percussion and Poison's leftover power-ballad riffs.

unitedmnick sayeth

these guys are fucking horrendo. "Denver" sounds like someone slipped him a glass of Colon-blo between sets and he's trying desperately to prevent his bowels from evacuating all over the floor of the Sliderz Bar and Grill.

sample journal entry from Denver:
"Today we recorded 10 songs...we were gonna only do 4, but Shawn managed to get such a shitty drum sound so quickly that we blasted right through them sum' bitches. Shawn also said that I have a heart of purest gold and that my musical vision will spiritually heal all who listen. Needless to say, he got pretty excited, and promptly creamed his shorts. Later on, I exerted my autocratic rule upon my bandmates, quashing their ideas and inviduality. I truly am the son of heaven! Our next gig will be this coming Tuesday at Greezey Gullets"

Is the song Tall is teh Tale about the masturbatory fantasies of this band and their imagined worship by the burgeoning Columbus music scene. Fuck Ohio and fuck these assholes. Fucking, kill yourselves, seriously.

jackassrock tiptoes around the subject

Well, I made it through about half the first verse of the first song I pulled up before I decided that this band is a turd in the rough. With a little care and polishing they could aspire to be a waste of time.

Everything about these songs screams...nay it mumbles sadly, "No Imagination or ear for tone."

The guitar sounds are some of the worst I've heard (even on a local band demo level), and nothing at all about this band "Rocks".

I'm just going to have to ask one more time.
"How the Fucking Bloody Hell do you release recordings that clearly feature timing and pitch issues that are that fucking glaring ?" I am not a perfect player or singer, but given the opportunity to just punch in the right line with the right notes is what the studio recording process is about, right ? HOW MUCH DENIAL CAN A MAN LIVE IN ? That shit just sucks ass. Rotten rashy monky ass.

p.s. as a sidenote to the band if they find this thread. "It's clueless idiots like you that exemplify everything that this institution of internet ridicule stands against. I just wish there were words do describe my absolute loathing for your efforts and meager accomplishments."

Some Appendage schools the kiddies

"self-important assgoblin"
"I am so into myself that I have no peripheral vision"
"I mask my incompetent lyrics with my heinous singing voice"
"I document EVERY sub-par thought I have ever had about my
music on the off-chance someone else will read it and
think that I rock"

These are just a few of the "mind flavors" I sampled on your hideous website.

I listened to every song for as long as I could bear it. They were unengaging, and they really do all sound the same.

And the videos.
It was nice of you to run through the entire gamut of sucky Pinnacle Studio filters. There are reasons you never see them used in 'Real Music Videos'. Like mindflavor's music, they are trite, overused,
and ANYBODY can do what you do to get the same effect.
The "live" video was spectacular. The sports bar you were playing in obviously booked you as an afterthought. They did not bother to turn off the huge video screen behind you, which was showing
content that (gasp) HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH YOUR SELF-CENTERED CRAPTACULAR LYRICS.

Unless, of course, golf has everything to do with the deranged dream you follow.

And, denver, that dream you follow is a huge jalapeno scar on the buttcrack of creativity. Get it treated. The reason you are the only one who believes in this dream is that you suck the sucking suck. Your self-delusion has bloated to starrian (That's Jason Starr) proportions. You are not a visionary. You are a pipe dream with a web site.

Hugs,
'Appendage

Ermghoti felns again

Well, I dosed myself up good with Dramamine, and watched the video for "Rest." To break with convention, I will keep the review positive.

1. It is one of the twenty best videos I have seen shot in somebody's kitchen.
2. Just set it to video of a woman skipping in a field in slo-mo, cut in shots of horseback riding and tennis, and Shazam! Instant tampon commercial!
3. The comments on the message board about the videos are quite positive. He has really impressed the other members of his band that post there.

I give up. Bad sound, bad video, obnoxious overuse of cheezy (with a "z") video effects. The $4000 on the V-Drums would have been better spent on lessons.

Pratt ends the proceedings again by saying

I don't know, guys...I think they're pretty good. I'd like to join Mindflavor.

 

   
 

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