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The Most Annoying Album Title In The World...Ever!

The Most Relaxing Classical Album In The World...Ever!Turner Broadcasting has begun offering an album of relaxing classical compositions entitled “The Most Relaxing Classical Album In The World…Ever!” The album features such relaxing compositions as “Nocturne”, “Adagio For Strings” and that one song with the two ladies singing that they used in the awesome lesbo scene in “The Hunger”.

The album is the latest in the successful series of “The Most…Ever!” albums and promises to break sales records set by “The Most Freaky R&B Album In The World…Ever!” and its successor, “The Most Repetitive Blues Album In The World…Ever!”

Turner has plans to extend the series with new releases each quarter. Titles already slated are “The Most Clichéd 60s Rock That Evokes Vietnam Album In The World…Ever!”, “The Most Songs From Teen Comedy Soundtracks That Are Mostly ‘All-Star’ By Smashmouth Album In The World…Ever!” and “The Most Songs That Hipsters Pretend To Like Album In The World…Ever!”

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St. Angry!

Lars UlrichFans of the hard-rock band Metallica are outraged at the band for releasing the film “Some Kind Of Monster”. “Monster”, a documentary, follows the band through the making of its latest album “St. Anger”. At a recent showing of the film in Crestview, Indiana, fans spoke out. “Don’t even write that I’m a fan.” says Metallica fan Craig Hillvern, 23, “Each time I see this movie, I get more and more angry and frustrated with them. I was only mildly pissed off the first three or four times I saw it, but the next couple of times just made me violent. They suck so hard now.”

Another fan, Shawn Frederickson, 26, agrees. “Cliff would weep…” Frederickson said, referring to Metallica’s first bassist, Cliff Burton, who died in a 1986 tour bus crash while touring Europe with the band. “…if he heard this wimpy music and saw this movie with them being all wimpy and talking about feelings and stuff. Believe me. I know. I’ve bought every single, every album, every import, every bootleg, every video and every DVD they’ve released since then and it never gets any better!”

Both Hillvern and Frederickson plan to attend several dates on Metallica’s current North American tour. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Said Hillvern “I’m going to go to at least six shows just so I can tell people how much I hate what Metallica has become!” Frederickson added “They totally, totally suck now. I had to quit my job so we could go to those six shows, but it’ll be worth it to tell them just how bad they suck.”

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Classical Ass

Estebanso-called “Guitar legend” Esteban was stripped of his legendary status this week when it was discovered that he is an entirely fictional character created specifically to sell pressboard guitars in infomercials.

Allan Holdsworth, guitar legend and president of “Real Guitar Legends For Truth” released a statement on Monday calling for the immediate cessation of all applications of the appellation “Guitar legend” to the television character known as “Esteban”. According to the statement, “Esteban is a fictional character created by L.A. session guitarist Dan Fernaueu for the express purpose of marketing a cheap, poorly constructed guitar-like instrument on the Home Shopping Channel.”

The scandal intensified when the Recording Academy revealed that claims that “Esteban” had won “several Grammys” were false.

These charges come on the heels of last month’s statement from the Musical Instrument Manufacturers Association that the “Esteban” guitar could not, in fact, be classified as an actual guitar due to the fact that it is constructed out of reclaimed materials such as discarded telephone directories and medical waste. The MIMA demanded that the instrument be classified as a toy.


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